during the break at jlpt4 exam, i saw my old classmates whom i've never talked to in class. i avoided eye contact with them so i don't have to talk to them (which is what i normally do when i see people i am not close to). then one of them saw me and said hi to me, and the rest jsut came over and said hi. suddenly i felt pretty guilty for what i have done. they are nice people. when they ask me whether i want to join them for lunch, i just find a reason to deny cause i just don't feel comfortable being around with people.

yup. i'm anti-social and i wont say that as a joke anymore. a few days ago elvin from alpha flight came and talk to me. i guess its cause i always put a hyper and friendly image in front of them seemingly i want to be frens and hang out with them. which is true cause i wan frens to hang out with. but i realise that i don't know how to interact with people. he was talking to me during ord day and i was speechless and i don't know how to communicate.

a book, ipod and my phone. these 3 things allow me to just walk in the crowd and be unnoticed, which is what i thank for whenever people whom i know but are not that close with recognizes me on the street. i can't seem to be able to talk to people or know people well, guess its cause i always got my secrets to hide. now that there are more things that can freak people out, i just feel like being alone so that people wont be irritate or affected by me.

people always says that they are friends and wants to help me. i am so thankful every time i hear that because i felt that i am being cared for. but i don't want to disappoint you guys when i fail to be ok. i sometimes wonder can i just pretend that everything is ok so that you guys wont be worried. i want to be a pillar or support, not a burden. and i know as i am closer to you, you will know more of my problems and the more you will help and the more your life will be affected by me. sorry.

i guess like a cancer/crab, i keep myself inside my shell cause i am scare of the outside world. i used to think that i hate going out alone, but i've realized that i've been doing that more these few years, i can even eat alone, something that i said i will never do in sec 3.

i'm not normal and i know it. i'm not hoping for any lavish life or fancy living at all. right now i'm just living so can i can be of a help to people. and making them happy so that i will feel good. i don't know how to interact with people or u know become friends with strangers. i have friends, limited friends cause i've been 100% honest with them. but to be 100% honest to people is not easy for me. so ya. keeping a distance is better.

i wonder when will the day i become crazy.