during the break at jlpt4 exam, i saw my old classmates whom i've never talked to in class. i avoided eye contact with them so i don't have to talk to them (which is what i normally do when i see people i am not close to). then one of them saw me and said hi to me, and the rest jsut came over and said hi. suddenly i felt pretty guilty for what i have done. they are nice people. when they ask me whether i want to join them for lunch, i just find a reason to deny cause i just don't feel comfortable being around with people.

yup. i'm anti-social and i wont say that as a joke anymore. a few days ago elvin from alpha flight came and talk to me. i guess its cause i always put a hyper and friendly image in front of them seemingly i want to be frens and hang out with them. which is true cause i wan frens to hang out with. but i realise that i don't know how to interact with people. he was talking to me during ord day and i was speechless and i don't know how to communicate.

a book, ipod and my phone. these 3 things allow me to just walk in the crowd and be unnoticed, which is what i thank for whenever people whom i know but are not that close with recognizes me on the street. i can't seem to be able to talk to people or know people well, guess its cause i always got my secrets to hide. now that there are more things that can freak people out, i just feel like being alone so that people wont be irritate or affected by me.

people always says that they are friends and wants to help me. i am so thankful every time i hear that because i felt that i am being cared for. but i don't want to disappoint you guys when i fail to be ok. i sometimes wonder can i just pretend that everything is ok so that you guys wont be worried. i want to be a pillar or support, not a burden. and i know as i am closer to you, you will know more of my problems and the more you will help and the more your life will be affected by me. sorry.

i guess like a cancer/crab, i keep myself inside my shell cause i am scare of the outside world. i used to think that i hate going out alone, but i've realized that i've been doing that more these few years, i can even eat alone, something that i said i will never do in sec 3.

i'm not normal and i know it. i'm not hoping for any lavish life or fancy living at all. right now i'm just living so can i can be of a help to people. and making them happy so that i will feel good. i don't know how to interact with people or u know become friends with strangers. i have friends, limited friends cause i've been 100% honest with them. but to be 100% honest to people is not easy for me. so ya. keeping a distance is better.

i wonder when will the day i become crazy.

you have been my source of unhappiness for all these years.

when mom was still around i still could handle it because i know that if i don't listen, she will be upset.

now i still got to pretend that i will listen to you because i may not have a place to sleep if i don't listen to you.

if not for my sisters, i would definitely move out when i am capable of doing so, i have to stay so that they will not be harm in anyway.

if i can't hurt you. soon i am just gonna divert the hurt to someone else. perhaps myself.

i wish that i can be more decisive and know what i want. not being afraid to venture out into new things and be able to accept stress and challenges.

Jealousy or envy? There's a subtle difference between them.

Do i envy? Or am I just jealous? I know I don't like to lose to people. But the feeling of not being as good as other people, or feel that I AM indeed not as good as others, is unbearable and unavoidable.

I hate myself feeling jealous of people. Arghh

Have you ever had a feud with your ex before? The anger is so palpable, you can't even bear to see the person for even one more second? Can't stand his/her quirks that used to be what actually caught your eyes in the first place? Have you tried to solve any misunderstandings that may exist? Give a contrite apology for something you may have done wrongly? And finally when you realize you're in the wrong and when he/she is already gone, you start searching for her frantically and begging her to come back to you.

You thought of a million ways to placate her, hoping she will come back to you. You did all you can but she just scowl at you, asking you to be gone. Finally you sat down forlornly, thinking of 'I should have...', 'I should have...'. You cry is imperceptible, you try to keep it as quietly as possible, hoping no one will see your tears. You spend an inordinate time thinking of what should you do now etc. etc. anything that can make her enthralled to you once again.

Your best friend ask you to get up and not do any preposterous things like beg her for another chance cause she will just end up riding you and take you for advantage again when your best friend clearly have no idea what the misunderstandings of arguments may be about. Perhaps even you and your ex don't even know.

Love can be so simple. Yet so cryptic. Communication is the most important factor. One must understand the other before leading to any major arguments that may be due to each parties' insufficient understanding of each other. Without communication, a 'couple' will just be 2 living things walking together thinking that they understand each other.

I take a rather jaundiced view of life.

I like to squabble with people over little things. Like when they sit on my bed. Most of the time I just like to over-react to show people that that's the kind of person I am. I'm not incensed by these kind of little things. Just maybe a bit irritated by the way people turn a deaf ear to what I said. I feel compelled to not show people, or even myself the way I will really react about something, maybe cause I often find myself too boring. I don't want people to feel weary of me.

I hate people who are oblivious about important things and scorn people who prefer to spend their time in books and newspapers. There's a subtle difference between nerds and smart people. I really feel sad by the plight of people who are alienated cause the choose to go home and study or go home early to do their work instead of hanging out. Your criticism can cause someone to be in a funk and become outcast. What do you have to scowl when someone says he/she can't meet you cause she got classes? Or give that smirk after you made someone feel terrible. Maybe its your disposition to cause pain in people's life. Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies, but you should not be making someone else suffer for your pleasure.

I have a vague memory of my lower sec. life. Everyone is so egocentric. The incessant tease by people of being a fat nerd. However, nowadays I muse about my past and realize that without the criticism of those idiots. In school when I revise my notes frantically before a test, people will go 'wa so hardworking huh', their blatant sarcasm irks me to the max. I can only stand there stoically pretending i'm ok. I'm not smart. Simple questions or words bewilder me. I felt incredulity how some people can just study before a test and score well, maybe they are just genius.

Admiration / Jealousy?