I always have this question in my head :'Why am I not as good as......?'
Why am I not as tall as Andy?
Why am I not fit like Dino?
Why am I not smart as Dexter?
Why am I not as sociable as Calvin Kuah?
Why am I not good looking like Daniel?
Why am I fat?
Why am I short?
Why can't I get into a local uni?
Why can't I speak pro english?
Why can't I sing well?
Why can't I talk normally to people?
Once in a while all these questions will pop inside my head. It feels as if I myself is trying to destroy all the confidence and fighting spirit inside me so that I can be stuck in the mud and cry all over, lying to myself that I am alright.
The feeling really sucks. Esp. now when I am being so unreasonable and being jealous of people and trying to pull people down so that they are of equal status as me.
I hate to admit that I am wrong thus I will find all ways to prove that I am right. I hate the kind of person I am thus I rather be a blur cock who don't know anything and pretend to not care much about everything.
I don't really know if I am truly concern about a person, or am I just trying to make myself feel better by being nice to the person so that I wont feel as bad when I had the hatred for them just because they are better than me in any way.
It feels like I can only perform at the end of the spectrum now. Being ultra good or ultra bad to a person. To be in the middle is just to be acting blur and try to not think about my feelings and fill my mind with work or useless thoughts.
