I don't think this happens to everyone. But once in a while, I feel like a second class person who should not be given any rights or privileges in life. I don't want to see anyone because I don't want them to waste their time on me. So I'll just walk on the street alone, complete my errands alone, eat alone and hoping that no one can recognize me or be nice to me because I don't deserve it.

It happened again today and I told my friend to go home when we were supposed to go gym together. I just felt that I shouldn't be wasting his time. He should go home and do what he like or perhaps just meet up with hiss other friend, anyone but me cause I don't deserve his time. Of course I just pretend to say I'm tired and don't want to gym anymore cause he was very nice and kept saying its ok let's go gym together.

I can't seem to avoid this state of me behaving like a autistic when normally I can just hang out with my friends normally and talk to them like a normal person who feels ok with himself. Sometimes I wonder is it that I'm putting a false me most of the time when I face my friend so they'll like and talk to me, and right now, that's the real kind of person I am.

I'll become normal again and act cheerful and talking rubbish in a few days. I feel like I'm having some kind of mental disorder. I really feel crap.