been a long long time since I blog. actually I got nothing to blog about. army life mah. what else. been doing some reflections on myself recently. like what have I been doing with my life, what am i going to do with my life and stuff. basically everything is about life.

i've screwed my As and I have no one to blame cause its my fault. I chose what to do and ta da, tt's the kind of results I get. my results are not very bad but as compared to the rest of singapore teens who wanna secure a place in uni, i'm in a very dangerous spot. i'm confused whereby whether I should just go get a job, go poly, private uni or what. i guess all this can only wait till posting of uni is out so at least I know what i got.

but then again, thinking about the courses, i'm really feeling quite shit. i wanna study tourism and hospitality, something that i believe a lot of people now wants to study. and i know that my chance of getting the course is so small that i don't even know what I would think i may even have a chance to get into it. i was looking through last year criteria last year and letting the courses choose me. there's only ard a few courses that i can really choose.

really really hope when the posting is out, i can get something i want. or something i can do.

anw, i finished the show



its a typical drama which i always told myself that i should stay away from it cause it will never happen in real life. but then again, who don't wish that their life can be like a drama story, where the ending will always be a good one. the couples will get together in the end and have many romantic happenings, funny quarrels, happy life together and a happy story that never seems to end.

i told myself that since my last r/s, i'm not gonna get into another one. and nope, i did not get into another r/s or have any flings or whatever. i'm single but not available. i know that i am still not ready for r/s cause i can't settle down. i wan a person to like me for who i am but yet, most of the time is due to me trying to accommodate the other party and making myself feel that i am having a hard time. i have no idea why but i dun dare to be myself, the cheena, no class, kiasu, cheapskate, idiotic, emo me. perhaps i feel that people won't like tt kind of person?

i'm not being true to myself of anyone around me. sometimes i feel that i'm wearing a mask that no one can see, not even me. a mask tt i cant and don't know how to remove. a mask blocking my true emotions away from myself. sometimes i really wonder when i am good to someone, is it because i was told tt it is the right thing to do or i really wanna do it. perhaps if i was not taught tt being nice is a gd thing, i would have been another person. another stupid example is eating vegetables. frankly speaking, i don't know whether i like eating salads or vegetables, or is it because people always says tt it is gd to eat more veggies.

i have a low self esteem and low confidence. many people ask me why and i'm reluctant to tell them cause it a ridiculous ans. well, its cause since i'm young, i've faced the fact tt i'm a ugly and fat guy whom no one will like. tt's why after i've slim down, i'm so cautious about my appearance. the feeling of being called a fat ass and being idiotic looking when young is something tt i'm very scare of. i don't ever wanna go back tt time again. but like xt says, reliance on look will not boost your confidence in anyway, since in long time, everyone will become old. i've asked people where to find confidence, they say 'everyone is gd at smth so just do it gd and you'll feel confidence'. what am i gd at?