calif3

scare

2011-12-04T22:30:00.003+08:00

during the break at jlpt4 exam, i saw my old classmates whom i've never talked to in class. i avoided eye contact with them so i don't have to talk to them (which is what i normally do when i see people i am not close to). then one of them saw me and said hi to me, and the rest jsut came over and said hi. suddenly i felt pretty guilty for what i have done. they are nice people. when they ask me whether i want to join them for lunch, i just find a reason to deny cause i just don't feel comfortable being around with people.

yup. i'm anti-social and i wont say that as a joke anymore. a few days ago elvin from alpha flight came and talk to me. i guess its cause i always put a hyper and friendly image in front of them seemingly i want to be frens and hang out with them. which is true cause i wan frens to hang out with. but i realise that i don't know how to interact with people. he was talking to me during ord day and i was speechless and i don't know how to communicate.

a book, ipod and my phone. these 3 things allow me to just walk in the crowd and be unnoticed, which is what i thank for whenever people whom i know but are not that close with recognizes me on the street. i can't seem to be able to talk to people or know people well, guess its cause i always got my secrets to hide. now that there are more things that can freak people out, i just feel like being alone so that people wont be irritate or affected by me.

people always says that they are friends and wants to help me. i am so thankful every time i hear that because i felt that i am being cared for. but i don't want to disappoint you guys when i fail to be ok. i sometimes wonder can i just pretend that everything is ok so that you guys wont be worried. i want to be a pillar or support, not a burden. and i know as i am closer to you, you will know more of my problems and the more you will help and the more your life will be affected by me. sorry.

i guess like a cancer/crab, i keep myself inside my shell cause i am scare of the outside world. i used to think that i hate going out alone, but i've realized that i've been doing that more these few years, i can even eat alone, something that i said i will never do in sec 3.

i'm not normal and i know it. i'm not hoping for any lavish life or fancy living at all. right now i'm just living so can i can be of a help to people. and making them happy so that i will feel good. i don't know how to interact with people or u know become friends with strangers. i have friends, limited friends cause i've been 100% honest with them. but to be 100% honest to people is not easy for me. so ya. keeping a distance is better.

i wonder when will the day i become crazy.

2011-10-30T22:23:00.003+08:00

you have been my source of unhappiness for all these years.

when mom was still around i still could handle it because i know that if i don't listen, she will be upset.

now i still got to pretend that i will listen to you because i may not have a place to sleep if i don't listen to you.

if not for my sisters, i would definitely move out when i am capable of doing so, i have to stay so that they will not be harm in anyway.

if i can't hurt you. soon i am just gonna divert the hurt to someone else. perhaps myself.

2011-10-19T01:37:00.002+08:00

i wish that i can be more decisive and know what i want. not being afraid to venture out into new things and be able to accept stress and challenges.

2011-10-18T00:38:00.002+08:00

Jealousy or envy? There's a subtle difference between them.

Do i envy? Or am I just jealous? I know I don't like to lose to people. But the feeling of not being as good as other people, or feel that I AM indeed not as good as others, is unbearable and unavoidable.

I hate myself feeling jealous of people. Arghh

2011-09-29T20:39:00.003+08:00

Have you ever had a feud with your ex before? The anger is so palpable, you can't even bear to see the person for even one more second? Can't stand his/her quirks that used to be what actually caught your eyes in the first place? Have you tried to solve any misunderstandings that may exist? Give a contrite apology for something you may have done wrongly? And finally when you realize you're in the wrong and when he/she is already gone, you start searching for her frantically and begging her to come back to you.

You thought of a million ways to placate her, hoping she will come back to you. You did all you can but she just scowl at you, asking you to be gone. Finally you sat down forlornly, thinking of 'I should have...', 'I should have...'. You cry is imperceptible, you try to keep it as quietly as possible, hoping no one will see your tears. You spend an inordinate time thinking of what should you do now etc. etc. anything that can make her enthralled to you once again.

Your best friend ask you to get up and not do any preposterous things like beg her for another chance cause she will just end up riding you and take you for advantage again when your best friend clearly have no idea what the misunderstandings of arguments may be about. Perhaps even you and your ex don't even know.

Love can be so simple. Yet so cryptic. Communication is the most important factor. One must understand the other before leading to any major arguments that may be due to each parties' insufficient understanding of each other. Without communication, a 'couple' will just be 2 living things walking together thinking that they understand each other.

2011-09-27T19:25:00.002+08:00

I take a rather jaundiced view of life.

I like to squabble with people over little things. Like when they sit on my bed. Most of the time I just like to over-react to show people that that's the kind of person I am. I'm not incensed by these kind of little things. Just maybe a bit irritated by the way people turn a deaf ear to what I said. I feel compelled to not show people, or even myself the way I will really react about something, maybe cause I often find myself too boring. I don't want people to feel weary of me.

I hate people who are oblivious about important things and scorn people who prefer to spend their time in books and newspapers. There's a subtle difference between nerds and smart people. I really feel sad by the plight of people who are alienated cause the choose to go home and study or go home early to do their work instead of hanging out. Your criticism can cause someone to be in a funk and become outcast. What do you have to scowl when someone says he/she can't meet you cause she got classes? Or give that smirk after you made someone feel terrible. Maybe its your disposition to cause pain in people's life. Everyone has their own idiosyncrasies, but you should not be making someone else suffer for your pleasure.

I have a vague memory of my lower sec. life. Everyone is so egocentric. The incessant tease by people of being a fat nerd. However, nowadays I muse about my past and realize that without the criticism of those idiots. In school when I revise my notes frantically before a test, people will go 'wa so hardworking huh', their blatant sarcasm irks me to the max. I can only stand there stoically pretending i'm ok. I'm not smart. Simple questions or words bewilder me. I felt incredulity how some people can just study before a test and score well, maybe they are just genius.

2011-09-25T02:02:00.001+08:00

Admiration / Jealousy?

2011-09-21T00:59:00.003+08:00

I really hate it when I feel inferior to the person I love. I hate the feeling of being useless and feeling bad for not being able to do more than I can for the person I love. I always expect myself to do more and be a better person. But well, so many years have passed. I still feel the same

2011-09-15T20:51:00.002+08:00

Ya ya. I shouldn't shirk from my work or studies. I wonder if I am socially inept. Or perhaps superiors inept. I can't stand the fact that I am being ordered around to do things by other people who have the power and authority even if they don't mean it. In front of them, I just got to reinvent myself as someone who is hardworking and a happy-go-lucky guy so I won't offend them. I just not adept with dealing with people who are not of the the same level as me =X

Today was another typical slacking day of mine. I do like someone to regale me with their life, tell me something interesting in the world so I won't feel so lifeless. Practicing guitar, reading and jogging. Not forgetting daydreaming or (lost in reverie) like I always do. But most of the time, when people are talking to me, I'll just stare absently at the tv or something and nothing they say goes inside my brain.

Had been thinking about jc life these few days and felt rather wistful. Instead of studying like I should be, i'm intrigued by these which are useless e.g. how to get to far east from the mrt. Yup. Until now I am clueless about it. I thought earnestly and realize that I've wasted so many precious time in jc.

Kaplan or sim? Thinking about this just bewilder me. I have no idea what to do. No idea how to extricate myself from this situation. Kaplan offers something that I want to study (tourism) but it seems unreliable as I can't contact the person in-charge. Sim offers something that is general but I am not that interested in. 3more months to make the decision.

Yup. I'm grouchy. Every single small thing can annoy me. I'm devoid of patience and the heart to forgive. Often I'm inwardly annoyed about people but to maintain good relationships, just got to act blur and forget. No one wants to embroil in lengthy cold war between friends cause it'll just get awkward over time. In hindsight, it would have been better to keep quiet and hoping your brain will delete that piece of memory away. Listen to their excuses stoically and pretend that you are not pissed.

I'm appalled by the way life works. How some people are able to carry on their life and taking things easily. I'm always too uptight about things and make myself unhappy. haiz.

2011-09-12T18:14:00.002+08:00

I won't say that I am a atheist. But sometimes when I see devout believers who do the extreme in their religion, it just irks me. I'm not referring to things like praying before eating or burning incense paper. I'm referring to people who believes that if I pray to all the gods and I play game, I can pass my exam already. Funny as it may sound, in retrospect, I do think of it this way =X. Well at least to make myself feel more secure.

Anymore, I've passed my driving and now having guitar lessons & jap lessons. Living a frugal lifestyle right now by eating all the food at home. Felt really frazzled ytd when I went for my first guitar lessons cause I was the oldest. There was this girl that seems to be around sec 3, without any apparent reasons seems to be pretty unhappy that I joined the class. She got a self satisfied smirk on her face telling me that 'hey I'm younger and learn more than you already'. arghhh

There was a subtle difference between my standard and the rest -.-" There was 2 that were already strumming their guitar while I am having trouble getting used to the proper way of holding a guitar. While I was surreptitiously looking at my phone for the time, hoping it will end early so I won't feel so stress, I enjoyed the lesson and felt that I did make the right choice cause the teacher seems nice.

I have no idea why but some idiots are just too stupid to realize that I am not gonna do their work for them. Stop plaguing me with the same questions that all mean wanting me to do your work. Not gonna happen. I'm not gonna appear to help you out even if you are in any dire situation and stack of being fired. =)

2011-09-11T00:50:00.002+08:00

tml is finally my first guitar lesson. once again, I am scare. cause its a start or something new and i have no idea how is it like at all. just hopefully i can get used to it soon and be able to put it in my weekly routine soon.

and now got jap to study also. omg.

2011-09-07T22:22:00.002+08:00

I should stop lamenting about my past complicated relationships. We spent an inordinate amount of time to do something special for someone. You'll be so zealous and devoted to the person, doing everything you can. Everything she does and says enthralls you like no tomorrow. You will never imagine you becoming just a solitary passer-by to her. Amid all the past memories you share, she will just forget everything that has happened.

Story of a friend.

However, unlike my friend. I'm mostly the bad one. Tsk. I should reflect.

2011-09-07T00:26:00.002+08:00

i'm addicted to maple story on facebook. =X
maybe its cause i'm pretty bored and reluctant to practise jap and learn guitar bah.

nowadays been trying to just find more things to do since all my friends are pretty busy themselves. i wonder what I should learn next. perhaps something unique like yoga? or maybe something cool like singing? how about baking?

but well, cash is still an important factor!

2011-09-05T00:17:00.000+08:00

everybody got to plan for their future. if someone had already set his/her future to be with certain someone, there is no need for a third party to hover around their presence and look at their happiness and curse them to break up someday right? He/she should just move on with life.

2011-09-03T18:48:00.003+08:00

Most of the time I wait for people to tell me what they want. But often, I realize that I myself don't know what I want. Of in fact not spending effort to know what I want.

I want someone to care for and someone to care for me.
I want someone special and belongs to me only.
I want someone whom I can talk to about everything.

But right now, I shouldn't be getting into r/s or getting jealous of people cause I'll end up hurting others and myself only. I choose to keep a distance from people so well, there won't be any unnecessary disputes or arguments.

People will say if you don't try, you will never get what you want. I can't try. Cause trying would mean hurting others and I don't want to do that anymore.

I always dreamed of having a happily family and having children, but well, there's no point getting emo over this kind of things since the problem lies with me. Being an unstable bomb its better to stay out of people's reach.

Nowadays avoiding those negative thoughts and being blur and ignorant is pretty good also. Although I am not very happy, at least I am not sad. And seeing your love ones being happy should be a good things cause they are happy with other people who can give them happiness when you can't do it. So I shouldn't be selfish and wants to own them all by myself and not allowing them to be with other people when I can't give them happiness.

Ok a bit emo now. Time to avoid those thinking and read books.

2011-09-03T18:10:00.002+08:00

Some people may ask why am I so reticent about my past. Well, cause I don't want you to get a shock of your life. Now you know why I am not a gregarious person. You ostensibly wants to be my friend but you just want to know about my past don't you?

2011-09-02T23:53:00.002+08:00

'Life's sucks' - Slogan for EMO committee to show their displease with life and how they like to whine over how certain insignificant issues can affect their life tremendously. e.g. extra 10min of work = me missing my train by 5min = means i will reach the peak hour = i will eat my dinner late = i will die early.

On the other end of the spectrum, the SMART people who knows how to control their emotions do not repine about their life or resent to minor unfairness and will always try to see the other side of the coin. e.g. extra 10min of work = boss may think that I am hardworking = I may get a promotion anytime soon cause he saw me work.

Which side do you belong to? I got to admit I belong to the former category. Which I realize that I am always the one giving myself with the unnecessary worries. In my anguish I always end up blaming people for my own mistakes cause I only view the bottle as half empty instead of half filled, the extreme pessimist.

Nowadays I just like to run away from reality and rather be a blur guy who views everything as something funny and not think. Like in the past where I can laugh hysterically when my friend says that I am stupid.

2011-09-02T02:53:00.002+08:00

Passed my driving test today. My tester's eccentric behaviour (in a negative way) really pissed me off. Initially he was nice and friendly, saying that I should try to earn my licence. The next moment he started yelling at me asking me whether I am testing his patience or not. Before we left the car and head to the office to see if I pass my test, his face was so impatient and can't wait to leave the place. Of course he added his 'You trying to test my patience is it?' catchphrase. Was pretty disillusioned already by the look on his face.

To my surprise, I actually pass the test. And guess what? The moment he pass me the score sheet, he was already in his home clothes ready to leave the place. -.-"

I was ecstatic and over the moon cause from that moment on, I don't have to have anymore driving lessons and can concentrate on other stuff. However, I have mixed feelings. Suddenly feels like a huge burden is off my back but still feels uneasy, as if my routine of driving is now gone. Lol.

Well, time to find something else to do.

2011-09-01T00:50:00.002+08:00

Driving test is just tml. Really disconcerted about it. Have already spent an inordinate amount of time and effort in the lessons (31 lessons). However, I still can't overcome the anxiety during the first test. Hopefully tml will be alright. Most importantly I can calm down and relax.

My instructor was telling me that there were a few students who will say they don't want to take the test at the last minute due to lack of confidence. Well, I guess I'm just stupid and cheapskate. Cause I don't want to waste the money I spent on booking the test dates and well, I do think that maybe the instructor is nice enough to pretend I drive well.

Ah ma got me a fu from temple. Hopefully I will disappoint no one. Including myself.

2011-08-28T01:13:00.002+08:00

Nobody wants to be a bad person. I am a bad person. But I like to argue that I am a good person and forget about my wrongdoings to pretend that I am a good person. Pretending & lying has been my friend for 20years and counting. Act blur live longer. I act blur to live.

2011-08-26T23:14:00.003+08:00

repeated thoughts. Will a person's brain explode if his brain operates 24/7? Whereby the thoughts would be recycled and generated over and over again without being stopped? Sometimes I rather not think about anything and just stare at the blank space. Very often I can forget to breathe also (really).

I'm so tired of facing so many problems and having the problems haunt me over and over again. Its like an endless process. Old problems remains and get stored in a recycling cabinet while new problems come in and get ignored by me forcefully. Finally when I lose the person to stop the thoughts, they start to pick up a fight with me and often I lose pitifully.

Read read read. Run run run. Hide Hide Hide. Ya. that's my life now. To ignore all my problems and not face them. Do anything that can keep me busy so that I wont think of things. Acting like a crazy person and saying hello to everyone so that I can pretend I am a happy go lucky person who have no problems. awesome

2011-08-26T00:24:00.002+08:00

I never liked being the oldest. Cause it means I cannot be weaker than my sisters. I got to be a stronger person with the most knowledge about everything so I can be a good example for them and be able to take care of them whenever it is required. To me I can never show a weak side to them cause if so, I will become an unreliable source of dependence. It sucks.

Sometimes I really wished I was the youngest of the family. So I don't have to worry about much things. Having an older sibling to take care of me. Having the most attention from my parents. Having more experienced people telling me things and prepare me beforehand so that I don't have to worry much.

I hate scolding my sisters. It just strain our relationship. But what can I do? Remain silence and go along with her will? Even if its not gonna be good for them? I don't like to have the need to not be able to sleep and thinking about things to help the family.

2011-08-24T22:17:00.002+08:00

I always have this question in my head :'Why am I not as good as......?'

Why am I not as tall as Andy?
Why am I not fit like Dino?
Why am I not smart as Dexter?
Why am I not as sociable as Calvin Kuah?
Why am I not good looking like Daniel?

Why am I fat?
Why am I short?
Why can't I get into a local uni?
Why can't I speak pro english?
Why can't I sing well?
Why can't I talk normally to people?

Once in a while all these questions will pop inside my head. It feels as if I myself is trying to destroy all the confidence and fighting spirit inside me so that I can be stuck in the mud and cry all over, lying to myself that I am alright.

The feeling really sucks. Esp. now when I am being so unreasonable and being jealous of people and trying to pull people down so that they are of equal status as me.

I hate to admit that I am wrong thus I will find all ways to prove that I am right. I hate the kind of person I am thus I rather be a blur cock who don't know anything and pretend to not care much about everything.

I don't really know if I am truly concern about a person, or am I just trying to make myself feel better by being nice to the person so that I wont feel as bad when I had the hatred for them just because they are better than me in any way.

It feels like I can only perform at the end of the spectrum now. Being ultra good or ultra bad to a person. To be in the middle is just to be acting blur and try to not think about my feelings and fill my mind with work or useless thoughts.

2011-08-21T21:05:00.002+08:00

It has become harder and harder for me to express myself in front of other people. Most of the time, I'll prefer to act as if I am happy, crazy and carefree person so that people wont't ask about why do I look so distracted or sad. Because I can't give them a proper answer. Most of the time is cause I am scare of the way they will view me after I tell them how I feel. Sometimes is cause my source of unhappiness comes from them.

not worth your time

2010-12-27T21:12:00.002+08:00

I don't think this happens to everyone. But once in a while, I feel like a second class person who should not be given any rights or privileges in life. I don't want to see anyone because I don't want them to waste their time on me. So I'll just walk on the street alone, complete my errands alone, eat alone and hoping that no one can recognize me or be nice to me because I don't deserve it.

It happened again today and I told my friend to go home when we were supposed to go gym together. I just felt that I shouldn't be wasting his time. He should go home and do what he like or perhaps just meet up with hiss other friend, anyone but me cause I don't deserve his time. Of course I just pretend to say I'm tired and don't want to gym anymore cause he was very nice and kept saying its ok let's go gym together.

I can't seem to avoid this state of me behaving like a autistic when normally I can just hang out with my friends normally and talk to them like a normal person who feels ok with himself. Sometimes I wonder is it that I'm putting a false me most of the time when I face my friend so they'll like and talk to me, and right now, that's the real kind of person I am.

I'll become normal again and act cheerful and talking rubbish in a few days. I feel like I'm having some kind of mental disorder. I really feel crap.

2010-10-05T20:52:00.002+08:00

look at this. when is the last time i blogged about something? 13june 2010. don't really understand the meaning of blogging. i used to blog cause i want people to notice me, know what i'm doing so i'll post lots of pictures and a lot of stupid stuff. and sometimes i'll try to write something interesting so people would wanna continue reading but end up deleting whole chunk of nonsense that comes out from my brain. like what i'm doing now.

basically i just wanna say that i'm a person who really don't know how to express myself. sometimes there are things that i want or that i feel that is right, and people would just come say that i'm wrong or i shouldn't be doing so, i would just follow what they say and forget why i want things to be that way in the first place. i'm not good at defending myself when i'm in the right (or at least not in the wrong) nor good at trying to make myself seems right when i'm not. but some people are just so good at both. somehow i really admire them.

emo emo me. that's just the person i am. i really wonder is that why i am so unpopular? i don't talk much and prefer to keep things to myself. and when i do talk much cause i'm trying to 'socialize' with people to be friends with them, i feel so extra cause there's just a gap between me and them. it feels like i'm just gonna screw their lives so i don't wanna get close to them. i try to act in front of them sometimes cause i don't wanna make them feel bad/sad about anything. actually, i really wonder when have i really been true to anyone.

end of bslc

2010-06-13T15:43:00.002+08:00

yup. finally foundation term is over. no more annoying oc who talk and talk. no more irritating bunk mates who walks around naked or plays songs so loud thinking that i'm deaf. of course i do miss my times in bslc, the slacking time only though. lol

now i'm being sent to AIR FORCE SCHOOL. for those who don't know why am i being sent there, let me tell you, i have no idea also. just that everyone wanted to bash me up after we know our posting. i'm one of the 46 people in my platoon who got into air force. i was laughing till my braces could drop out sia. it was totally unexpected.

it's quite sad that some of the friends i made will be separated again. e.g. wei jie and steven, we were damn happy that we got into scs together, though we were in different platoon, we could still see each other (ok it sounds gay). now wei jie going armour, steven going i dunno where and me going air force. its gonna be hard to meet up.

take care guys

last wk of bslc

2010-06-06T18:36:00.002+08:00

yup. the coming wk is the last wk of my current course. may/may not be sent to another place. 99.9999999999999% gonna stay at the same place -.-" sian sia. bo bian lo. suck thumb.

anw, coming wk gonna have 28km road march. arghhhh. i HATE walking. HATE i tell you. marching is worst. once again, what can we do sia. SIAN.

my blog seems dead. guess i'll be starting on diary soon. bb

2010-05-23T14:01:00.003+08:00

this week was the worst week so far in scs. outfield everyday. mon-wed still ok cause we came back to bunk and sleep. that's the new syllabus. thurs and fri was 2d1n field camp. though its only 26hrs, it much much worst than the 6d5n field camp in bmtc.

1) it rained so all of us were soaked. our feet are wrinkled and white in colour -.-" with blisters all over

2) we have to dig at night and cover it up -.-"

3) end of field camp, we took a bus back and realise we actually have to road march back to our coy. worst still is we have to do extra 3rounds due to our oc. one guy fainted

4) unlike bmtc, we have to carry extra weapons and stores such as metaphor and signal sets which weights like 3kg or more.

5) the ants and mosquitoes are commandos trained. they can bite through your pants and they have evolved to be resistant to insect repellent

basically, it sucks.

next mon and tues outfied training again, over night again. omg. this time is urban ops. but i wonder where we will be sleeping. just hope that it can end fast.

feeling quite sian about out field trainings now. but also feeling damn sian about myself. every since young i've be taught in a way where i do the right things cause its the right thing to do (rubbish huh). so as i grew up, i've always be listening and doing the right thing and i don't even know whether that's what i wanna do.

sometimes i really wonder is this me. like am i the kind of person that i portray to people? people see me as helpful, caring etc. cause that's what my mom says, being nice to people is the right thing to do. but if i were to be myself, will i still do the same thing?

maybe its because i fear that people won't like me if i am not nice to them. so i try my best to please and be nice to everyone so that people will like me. that's ho i perceive my life as for now. i do not want people to be unhappy with me cause i do certain things that i THINK is right. i want people to be happy cause i do the things that IS right.

but then again, i don't even know what I think I should do.

2010-05-16T01:17:00.013+08:00

New song yo. First time writing English song. It sounds weird but well, I got E for GP & B4 for English. Please comment and give me some feedback bah. The song is from by2.

By2 - 愛上你 (original mv)

By2 - 愛上你 (music on right speaker)

BY2 - 爱上你 lyrics

作词:林天爱/Mr. Mars 作曲:林天爱

Verse #1 (0:38 - 1:07)
什么都不要懂只想继续做梦
害怕醒来以后握不住你的手
是谁太不成熟没体谅彼此感受
我不停寻找着理由解释分手

Pre-chorus (1:08 - 1:22)
心好空像没温度的气球
我的灵魂困在回忆中动也不能动

Chorus (1:23 - 1:50)
爱上你不需要理由你到底懂不懂
可是怀念竟比失去还要更难受
噢~爱让我想起你的时候泪禁不住滑落
可惜你永远都不会懂

Verse #2 (2:08 - 2:37)
什么都不要懂只想继续做梦
害怕醒来以后握不住你的手
如果同一秒钟你也想起了我
心只要能微微颤抖就已足够

Chorus #2 (2:38 - 3:07)
爱上你不需要理由你到底懂不懂
可是怀念竟比失去还要更难受
噢~爱让我想起你的时候泪禁不住滑落
或许我永远都看不透

Chorus #1 (3:08 - 3:38)
爱上你不需要理由你到底懂不懂
伤心快乐在回忆中反复的交错
噢~爱让我想起你的时候泪禁不住滑落
可惜你永远都不会懂

Ending (3:45 - 3:53)
放心我还会好好的过

Above is the original lyrics. Below is mine. Wrote it with the perspective of a girl. I am weird. But anyway, is about a girl, wanting to find love and thought that by making herself better to become someone that is likable, would be able to find her prince charming. Only to realise that a r/s with lies is just pointless and being herself is still the most important in a r/s.

Lies lyrics

作词: ME! 作曲:林天爱

Verse #1 (0:38 - 1:07)

Living. a princess story.

Is what. all girls woud dream.

Believe. our prince charming.

Is all we’ll ever need.

I too. Pray for my love.

To save me from misery

Pretend that I am someone

He’ll fall in love with

Pre-chorus (1:08 - 1:22)

But I know that this is just a dream.

I would never live a life of

Perfect fantasy

Chorus #1 (1:23 - 1:50)

I don’t know how could I survive

Living beneath these lies

Being a fool, thinking that love, could have been so blind

Oh baby you’re forever in my life

But how could I deny

That deep inside

You’ll never be ee mine

Verse #2 (2:08 - 2:37)

Living a princess story

Is what I’ve always dream

Baby my one and only

You’ve come and set me free

But I’m not Cinderella

My story ends here thus far

What’s love when I am someone else?

You’ll never know

Chorus #2 (2:38 - 3:07)

I don’t know how could I survive

Living beneath these lies

Being a fool, thinking that love, could have been so blind

Oh baby you’re forever in my life

How I wish you were mine

I can’t bring myself

To say goodbye

Chorus #1 (3:08 - 3:38)

I don’t know how could I survive

Living beneath these lies

Being a fool, thinking that love, could have been so blind

Oh baby you’re forever in my life

But how could I deny

That deep inside

You’ll never be ee mine

Ending (3:45 - 3:53)

Baby you’ll always be in my heart

2010-05-02T12:19:00.002+08:00

By2 - 大人的世界

i'm not crazy about them. just that they dance really good (from my point of view) and sings not bad too. their new song abotu growing up. been thinking about growing up since...... long long time ago and I realise I really need to start behaving like an adult.

not saying by2 are some idol that I admire. i just find them very brave to decide to give up their studies at such a young age to pursue their dreams. they made a decision. right or wrong? no one has the right to say or judge. but the main point is they did make a decision and they move on. now being quite famous and being top for 10cd stores in taiwan during the first wk of the release of their album is really something.

anw back to my topic of growing up. i was looking at what my peers are doing and i realize i'm really not acting according to my age. One of my bunk mate is studying french, another one is all prep for uni, nithya is studing driving while another of my bunk mate got his license le. one most importing thing is they all know what they want when they have to do something while i seems to be just following what they do.

I feel quite pathetic sometimes. Cause now everyone is booking in in civilian clothes. I was looking at others, what they wear and bring. People are wearing leather belts and those leather wallet, while i'm still with my billabong wallet and belt. I feel so like a kid, but most importantly feels like a kid. i wanna go shopping.. ok i'm just talking crap.

i feel like i'm screwing my life and not knowing what to do with it. should i continue with uni or go poly? perhaps i should just go get a job le. should i start learning what is love before i start a r/s? perhaps i should just stay single. SIAN.

2010-04-25T17:41:00.000+08:00

我需要的那份勇气和自信.. 到那里才能找到..

2010-04-18T22:13:00.003+08:00

~End of block leave. Hello sispec

Today is last day of block leave. Sigh. Din really get to enjoy it cause I was sick. Still having cough now. So gonna die when in sispec. I'm really sian abt going back to army life cause I've already went back to my civilian life. 1week leh. Thinking of going back to army just stinks.

This is life, and life suck. But then again, we don't get what we want all the time. Though we hate it, we still have to go through it cause its life. Sis going to poly tml. Cherie is having econs test tml. Yang Yang is having exam tml. Daniel is going bmt on tues. Hong Yun is going bmt on 28April. Everyone is gonna go through something that they hate, or don't like, so do i. Its gonna happen sooner or later so. So might as well. 忍！Just get it over and done with bah.

I've been sianing about going back to army life since fri. Guess its time to stop le. I mean its tml what -.-" I'm not the only one going back to army life so life is still kinda fair I think. but what to do? let's make the best out of nothing.

I just can't bare leave being my friends and family. Or maybe i'm just lazy. lol. no la. ya. 舍不得. I'll miss you guys. Byebye

2010-04-17T00:19:00.007+08:00

~out of BMT
yup. 8April was my pop date from bmt. before that did a 24km road march with everything we have left in our bunk. well, it was generally ok. except that i was coughing all the way like mad. luckily chong kang was there to support me. kept asking me whether i'm ok and stuff. thanks buddy.

anw, the parade was a stupid thing to me la -.-" throughout the whole thing i was singing to myself and dreaming, waiting for the speech to finish. felt quite touched when i saw my mom holding onto the video cam and recording everything down. but the funny thing is, the parade is kinda boring and i guess the video will be like people moving after a few minutes kind.

yup, so that's the end of my bmt. but 2days later...... Orion platoon 3 went to bintan =)

~Bintan trip with orion3
well, had a great time in bintan, just relaxing and stuff. was thinking about a lot of stuff during the trip, but still, its great to have friends around to talk so that i don't have to think about it. avoiding, escaping from the problem? ya i guess so. but there is no pt thinking about it anw.

now for photo time...

wei jie, me and chong kang.
fyi, wei jie is my buddy for bmt. we were primary sch sch mates also. but we have no idea till out mom told us about it.

the hat is eye-catching but did u notice the bald man at the back scratching his head?

wei jie and my hat

our resort

wei han the pro photographer

cong shi and me

my 15dollar hat. lol

tour guide?

free drink..

me and chang hong

there. wei han and his pro camera. lol

i too pro at cam whoring le

dinner time

it bloody ex-.-"

cong shi, han wei, daryn

keng huay, me, wei jie, steven
wei jie seems very high tt day

zhi de, the guy whom i'm 'carrying', kept teasing me abt the pic i took with xt at ecp.

wei jie another one -.-"

wei jie u look retarded. hahaha

good english. i'm nv gonna send my children there to study

not for us. sad

pool time!

my bd

i too pro le sia. nearly hit it in

went pub after tt. the pub okok nia

had sex on the beach. not nice de. the only thing i like about it is the cherry

after tt, went back to resort and played truth or dare. steven came up with most of the dare-.-" please be prepared for the ridiculous videos below. lol

this is not a dare, juz me and wei jie fighting for no reason. lol

me asking for lollipop

wei han gatsby commercial

original gatsby commercial

rejoice commercial by me and chong kang

the original rejoice commercial

keng juay's mr bean dance!

the original mr bean dance

chong kang's terrorist ad

the original funny terrorist subtitle video

ok that's all. should have more pics de but my cam no batt.

well, through this bintan trip, i think all of us know each other better. like the gossip we had about the people we don't like. HAHA. shhhh. and also about how we felt about each other at the beginning of bmt till now. i guess the best thing about bmt is that we get to meet new people and through the tough training we go through together, we come closer together and become great buddies.

to wei jie, my bed buddy:
firstly, you're welcome for me going for the guard duty reserve =) haha. jkjk la. well, its great to have you as my buddy. though we met in primary school before but have no impression of each other at all, its great that we can start our friendship at another phase of our life. sorry for all the tough times i put you through like nagging you to do this and that. thanks a lot for being such a great buddy like during times like field camps, when i sick and stuff. thanks a million and hopefully we can still stay in contact.

to liang jie, mr book out:
good job as a section ic for so long. congratz on your posting to ocs man! i know u can do it de. thanks for being positive all the time (or at least most) that makes me relax and feel not as stress. ur perseverance is something i really admire, like the time u got fever but continued with your soc. scary but ya, cool. all the best and jia you!

to wei han, mr 8As/mr nagger:
haha. ya gd job man. another ocs. all the best. thanks for nagging us so that we can be on time. u did a gd job nagging k! haha. so keep it up. jia you in ur ocs and hopefully we can still stay in contact.

to keng juay, blur king:
dun be sad tt u nv get into the place u wan la. be the best in where ever u are k? =) its great tt through bintan we get to know each other better. rmb i din even know ur name in the first few wks of bmt? HAHA. well, all the best for u and gd luck

to zhi de, mr sweaty:
first of all, bring a towel to bath and change ur clothes regularly. LOL. congratz on going to ocs too. take care of your knee hor. or else in future no gd. thanks for being so on most of the time to make sure we can get things done. thanks for your help in many occasions too, like field camps and normal trainings. yup. thanks and gd luck

to chong kang, messy king:
yes. tidy ur stuff in the future or they are going out the windows -.-" lol. gd luck in going ocs too. glad tt u got wad u wan. work hard and take care. warn the person in front when u're gonna shout in the future k? lol. and be more tidy. -.-" if u're saying 'i got lo' now, no u dun have =)

to steven, mr handsome steven:
i tot i got type urs sia. lol. i blur diao le. psps. yes. mr handsome steven, u're darker than me. happy not? lol. gratz tt u got into something u like. which is same as me. i'll say tt u're lucky! LOL. thanks for the great time we had together. all the best for the future =)

to the rest, its been a great time training together. hope tt all of us can do our very best in whenever we are and stay happy always =)

2010-04-04T16:29:00.002+08:00

been a long long time since I blog. actually I got nothing to blog about. army life mah. what else. been doing some reflections on myself recently. like what have I been doing with my life, what am i going to do with my life and stuff. basically everything is about life.

i've screwed my As and I have no one to blame cause its my fault. I chose what to do and ta da, tt's the kind of results I get. my results are not very bad but as compared to the rest of singapore teens who wanna secure a place in uni, i'm in a very dangerous spot. i'm confused whereby whether I should just go get a job, go poly, private uni or what. i guess all this can only wait till posting of uni is out so at least I know what i got.

but then again, thinking about the courses, i'm really feeling quite shit. i wanna study tourism and hospitality, something that i believe a lot of people now wants to study. and i know that my chance of getting the course is so small that i don't even know what I would think i may even have a chance to get into it. i was looking through last year criteria last year and letting the courses choose me. there's only ard a few courses that i can really choose.

really really hope when the posting is out, i can get something i want. or something i can do.

anw, i finished the show

its a typical drama which i always told myself that i should stay away from it cause it will never happen in real life. but then again, who don't wish that their life can be like a drama story, where the ending will always be a good one. the couples will get together in the end and have many romantic happenings, funny quarrels, happy life together and a happy story that never seems to end.

i told myself that since my last r/s, i'm not gonna get into another one. and nope, i did not get into another r/s or have any flings or whatever. i'm single but not available. i know that i am still not ready for r/s cause i can't settle down. i wan a person to like me for who i am but yet, most of the time is due to me trying to accommodate the other party and making myself feel that i am having a hard time. i have no idea why but i dun dare to be myself, the cheena, no class, kiasu, cheapskate, idiotic, emo me. perhaps i feel that people won't like tt kind of person?

i'm not being true to myself of anyone around me. sometimes i feel that i'm wearing a mask that no one can see, not even me. a mask tt i cant and don't know how to remove. a mask blocking my true emotions away from myself. sometimes i really wonder when i am good to someone, is it because i was told tt it is the right thing to do or i really wanna do it. perhaps if i was not taught tt being nice is a gd thing, i would have been another person. another stupid example is eating vegetables. frankly speaking, i don't know whether i like eating salads or vegetables, or is it because people always says tt it is gd to eat more veggies.

i have a low self esteem and low confidence. many people ask me why and i'm reluctant to tell them cause it a ridiculous ans. well, its cause since i'm young, i've faced the fact tt i'm a ugly and fat guy whom no one will like. tt's why after i've slim down, i'm so cautious about my appearance. the feeling of being called a fat ass and being idiotic looking when young is something tt i'm very scare of. i don't ever wanna go back tt time again. but like xt says, reliance on look will not boost your confidence in anyway, since in long time, everyone will become old. i've asked people where to find confidence, they say 'everyone is gd at smth so just do it gd and you'll feel confidence'. what am i gd at?

2010-03-28T15:58:00.002+08:00

~lifeless

feels so lifeless nowadays. everyday is nsnsns, training and training. ns is making me stupid. though many would say there's no difference for me. oh well, like it matters. help..

2010-03-25T22:56:00.002+08:00

finally back from my 2wks confinement due to sit test. nth much about my life also. juz army and army. well, nth much happened except that i got my first status, first iv drip & first time being chao geng. juz plain sian.

very sian about army, uni, life now. everything seems so unpredictable. sigh

2010-03-14T11:39:00.002+08:00

Hi all. My blog is rotting like mad. Like duh? No time to update.

1) Back from field camp
Yup. Finished BMT's field camp last week. Generally its ok. Sleeping with ants, no bathing, no brushing of teeth and ya, sick. Got fever, headache, nausea, cramps on the first day. After that it was ok, except for the unbearable heat rash, which I decided to replace the itch with pain by scratching till I bleed. Ya i'm sick.

2) A-levels
Screwed my A levels when I did not even meet my minimum goals at all. Everyone is like saying As does not determine what kind of person you are. But to me it shows your level of intelligence since As is more of a thinking exam rather than Os, where mugging really helps. Well, what can I do now anyway.

No idea what courses I can/want to take. Maybe I'll wait for the 4th uni to open up than see. And ya, my results is not good at all, even Miss Teo and Mr Lim was shock by my results where its worst than my normal work. Sigh.

3) Life
NS life is just mundane to me where I feel like I'm just training like some idiot. I'm really not planning to take up leadership post or what. Ya call me sucker/man. I'm really fine with that. Furthermore, I don't have leadership in me. Though I dsa to CJC using leadership. Ironic huh? Just kinda tired of life.

Booking in later and not booking out next week cause of sit test. bleah -.-" Bye all (if there is anyone)

2010-03-07T16:30:00.003+08:00

~A-lvl

i have no idea where to go. sry correction. i have no idea where can i go.

2010-03-07T16:30:00.001+08:00

~A-lvl

i have no idea where to go.

2010-02-20T23:23:00.002+08:00

~2nd book out. RANTS

well, sat book out sucks. but then again, no one is free to hang out with so i guess its ok. just a day of rest and back to camp tml. now for my rants -.-. all the people mention below are people in camp.

1) chao gengs
people who wanna slack and in the end get all of us to get punish. i don't get it why they just can't face the fact they are indeed tied down in the army for 1yr 10mths and they have to listen and do as they are told and not chao geng and cause everyone to get punish.

2) fat AND lazy people
i really have nothing to do with fat people and i am fine with people who are fat. i just cannot stand fat + lazy people who simply can't be bothered to even try and just laugh it off when they can't do something or when people laugh at them. of course if they are really with medical condition, i'm fine. and even if they can't even do one, its also ok. just for those who don't even try cause they wanna be lazy and use fat as an excuse i feel is pathetic.

3) over-competitive people
yes u wanna be sirs and bla bla go ahead, no one is will steal the chance away from you. just please la, no need to like show off and compete in everything right? so kua zhang. like u wan to succeed, don't harm others or just show off that you are better to get attention from others to know you la.

ok done. basically, the 2nd wk is ok. just more physical training. going to slp now. gd night

2010-02-15T12:35:00.003+08:00

~Army

I'm in Orion, Platoon 3, Section 2, Bed 11. yup. e were told not to blog about the things in army in details, like how the things work and stuff. Well, army is ok since its only the first week. My bunk mates are friendly and helpful. One funny thing is my bed buddy is actually my primary sch classmate but we can't recognise each other at all.

The training stuff are still ok. I guess joining SJAB and cross country did helped me in some way in army. still there is lots to learn which sjab and x-country did not teach. getting use to army life somehow and hopefully i just don't get tense up when i'm under stress.

nth much to update abt cny also. the usual visiting, the usual pretend to be close to each other for the sake of doing so. such hypocrites.

booking in tml. somehow i feel quite happy abt it. at least i dun have to be at home facing my parents.

currently, money and power seems to be the only 2 things that are ruling my world. it sucks, but yet i need them.

byebye

2010-02-04T23:24:00.002+08:00

~Army

tml's the day. sigh. kinda worried about it. its like entering a whole new environment. the feeling is like before entering a new school, not knowing what is gonna happen next for the next 2 yrs of your life, just that it is multiplied by 1000000000000000000x. every Singaporean guy has to go through this phase of their life so bo bian. army here i come.

but i realise something is, i', not exactly scare of army, i just can't bear to let go of my current life. CHANGES. one of the word in my vocabulary of evil. hate it always. but then again, it might be a good change, cause we never know what's gonna happen after or during the change.

i'm definitely gonna miss my bed, hair, ipod, computer and yadayadayada. most importantly is i'll miss my friends and family, all those people that i love so so much.

yup, i have to stay positive so that army will be easier. well, i'll try. and please don't make me worry before i go to army and will be kinda helpless when any of you guys out there are not feeling good or having some trouble. please let's all make 2010 and 2011 and of cause the coming years a good years ahead.

love you all guys. and here i go..

2010-02-04T00:07:00.003+08:00

~Post before army

well, mr worry have been worrying about his army since he knew that there was such a thing. had been like working out and trying to remember commands i used in sjab 2 years ago. but then, now left only 2 days will end of my prison, i guess i just got to face in like all the other guys have to.

had a great great farewell dinner with xueting, vivien, nithya, qiao yi and hannah at qiao's house. her parents prepared a lot of food for us and we had a great dinner. really thank vivien and hannah cause they had work in the day, xue ting also who had orientation before that, and of course nithya and qiao yi for the donuts and dinner.

the card they made for me =(. really so so touched

they asked me turn back and say wan scold me behind my back, initially i was like okok fine scold bah, for fun only, then i realise something wrong cause they took quite sometime before scolding finish. so i kno something fishy was going on. haha. i was thinking there wld b a cake or something. and i was right, haha. a great card with people's wishes for me. DAMN TOUCHED.

thanks xt so so much for writing down people's wishes for me in the card. though a little untidy la. hahahaha.

A BIG THANK YOU TO:
joyce (mummy), xueting (sis), vivien (malaysian), hannah, hongyun, nithya, luke, guo hao, cherie, christopher, miss teo, joshua, mr lim, jaslin, bok, priscilla, william, felicia, mr wee, qiao yi and yishi!

haha. the funny thing is most ask me not to miss my hair too much. lol. well, i'll definitely gonna miss it. and the girls were like touching my hair juz no saying will miss my hair -.-" not me. HAHA. and also, finally when i realise its better for me to let down my hair, like let it be flat instead of spiking it so much, i had to cut it away. arghhh. but luckily i took a lot of photos le. haha

THANKS SO SO MUCH!

also a special thanks to joyce who really made me less worried about army. i'll be positive and will survive army de! i will learn and tell my juniors about the things i learn and be happy about it! if zhong you din die in army, i won't die also! I WILL SURVIVE!

I will survive - charice pempengco's version

yes i will survive.

and thinking of songs, i was on my way home when i thought of this:

The moment - by Stefanie Sun

yes. after 1yr 10mths, i'll be free again.

oh ya. also a big thanks to Samuel Yuen who answered my questions about ns and helping me! thanks a lot dude. take care.

tml shaving le. weeee. shall enjoy the breeze. =)

2010-02-03T01:32:00.002+08:00

FOOD FOOD FOOD

~Lao Beijing & starbucks

the high tea buffet. not bad la. but the choice quite limited

my first starbucks coffee. bloody ex -.-. 5plus for a small one nia. and in the end i got stomachache.

and a great day with xt

~Yuki Yaki

i damn stupid. took too much pork and beef and in the end cant chew them.

it looks fun but is hard lo. nice though. but if i were to make then get to eat my ice cream, i lazy

the amount of ice cream we ate..

kenny's specs. i look so tut. lol

~Subway with grace

the pic without cap and with specs

the pic with cap and without specs

I was shock by my own pics. i look so diff sia. scary.

white chips macadamia forever =)

and here is grace snapping pics while i tried desperately to get stitch from a machine. wasted 9bucks getting nth -.-

2010-02-02T00:36:00.002+08:00

~Thai express & ice cream!

met up with qin rong and hui fang for dinner. i told them not to be late. but end up i'm the one who is late. psps. haha. we ate thai express cause i got vouchers. but then sian, can only use one voucher one time. so end up a costly dinner again.

yes i drank the whole bowl of soup. they were amazed cause i drank 3 cups of water before that. lol. the soup nice wad.

i offered to buy ice cream and share since i late.

somehow they were not surprised at my skill of being able to make sure that all 3 of us are in the pic (all pics taken using qin rong's hp) when they failed kinda terribly at it.

SUPER ME

qin rong took this pic. haha. i like the pic. my current default dp.

the moon was bright and round..

haha. qin rong took quite a while while taking this pic. nid to like cross the arms but she thought is another way.

it was a great night. simple and sweet.

2010-01-30T03:13:00.001+08:00

~crazy

i think i'm going mad soon. i can't slp. ytd night (or today), went to bed at 4am (cause i think its really late). tried to sleep but just can't. i stoned for 2hrs and heard my mom waking up. i thought what's wrong with her, waking up in middle of the night. then i realise my sis is going to school while i am still struggling to go to bed.

and now, i can't sleep also. sian.

2010-01-29T00:20:00.002+08:00

~ECP with jie jie

more pictures up on fb.

well, had a great great day with xt. everything is fun when you have a fren around =]

~me and my boring life

feels damn useless nowadays. juz waiting for ns to come day by day with nothing to do. arghh. i hate it. i wanna go out also, but then don't wanna go out alone.

vivien - in malaysia
tyas - in indonesia
hong yun - in beijing
qiao yi - at home
cherie ngan - sch
hui fang, qin rong, grace - poly
kenny - poly

ya call me pathetic, that's all all the frens i got. those tt can really go out de.

2010-01-26T01:13:00.001+08:00

too sad too sad. saw from xt's blog. i only felt sad, but din cry. is it cause its hard for me to cry? or it it just that i'm emotionless? hmmmm..

2010-01-17T21:53:00.002+08:00

cause the world is rule by power and wealth. till the day have them, i'm mute.

2010-01-17T00:38:00.015+08:00

been a long time since i blogged. not that i got no time. i got damn lot of time. just don't wanna blog since no one reads my blog anyway. but then again, qt says she reads and wanna know about my life. which i felt damn honoured. so here it goes.

~IT work at suntec

mei yee suggested we take a photo before we zao on the last day. here it is. took a while to get the photo since we din really exchange contacts. kinda glad that fb exist. weeee.

~Work at taka watson

been Garnier's Men promoter for 1week. never expected i'll get the job since i randomly sent out my resume on the net and i din even know that i sent it. furthermore, i got no experience selling facial products. only did sales for laptops before. but then, my boss/supervisor (aeron) was patient with me.

had a great time working there. my co-workers at watson were great.

the one on the left loves saying that man are basturds. haha. she is super funny. the one on the right teaches me a lot and help me with a lot of stuff. can't really rmb their names since they nv really tell me >.<
and she loves my camera. lol

aries jie. haha. she is damn happy that she looks super white here. she helped me a lot too.

garnier girl and garnier boy. lol tt's how the people there called us. she promote garnier products for ladies. but we just do both de la.

xt and hy who came down for the physical challenge. haha

my first challenger for the physical challenge. =)

last but not least my 'offfice' ya. just a stand la. have to face wang lee hom every day. lol

well, though my work is over. they say my performance good. haha. so asking me work for the next 2weekends before i go army. well, at least i got something to do.

oh ya. got one person saw me working, and found me on fb. he even drew a short comic of him seeing me and adding me on fb sia. here it is:

1)

2)

3)

4)

5)

~ECP

went ECP to cycle alone. well, no one was free so decided to hop on the bus and go there myself. it was a great day, windy and not very sunny. sitting by the beach and listening to the waves while reading, nice..

nice sky

the water seems clean. but i doubt..

a plane!

tsk tsk. lol

nice place to fish.

seashells..

now for zi lian moment

is this pic weird?

~Night safari with joyce and xt

xt and my first trip to night safari. luckily joyce got the card thingy so we saved 22 bucks! thanks joyce.

the board was at the entrance. but we never see. haha.

quite a lot of people since its sat

testing my camera to see whether to use flash or not. and ta da. xt being my model.

yup. with flash looks better.

xt's eyes are big here!

haha. we both have big eyes. sibling ftw

giraffe's print tram

xt and joyce. all 3 of us wore black. haha.

she force me to take de. haha

at the bridge of suspense i think. haha. not very scary though.

nope. its not a leopard. a spotted hyenna i think. its damn guai. sat there.

ben & jerry! super ex. but nice.

once again. xt the model. haha

mummy and daddy. LOL

joyce brought sparklers! hahaha. had great fun with them.

creatures of the night show. IT WAS DAMN BLOODY NICE. the presenter was awesome!

we went the 4th show since we missed the previous 3. its also the presenter 4th show and can see that she is tired. but she gave her best.

those fuckers who used flash during the show is damn idiots. they better be deaf or else they should be thrown into the water. cause of the flash, which to the nocturnal animals are lightnings, some wouldn't come out. arghhhh. but overall, the show was great.

i'm the middle one. cause i man. haha

jump shots!

i took de. i think i pro. lol

lol. joyce is damn good at jumping..

now take a look at the jump shots taken by xt

yup. its official. next time xt jump can le. hahaha

anw. had a great night with them..

2010-01-16T02:41:00.000+08:00

wow. i got my own cartoon..

2010-01-13T02:15:00.000+08:00

一个人还是比较好..

2010-01-04T01:26:00.001+08:00

2010..

2010-01-03T14:16:00.000+08:00

2010-01-02T03:33:00.001+08:00

2009-12-28T19:39:00.002+08:00

~Happy

my life is boring like mad. well, can't seem to get a job. i mean who would hire a person who can work only till 30jan? my enlistment is 5feb so its like impossible for me to get a permanent job. i've been waiting for my waiter jobs for those dinner & dance de, but let's faxce the truth, who woud actully have D&D in jan? celebrate wad anw.

so ya. basically nwo my life is boring till siao. things are also not going acording to my way.
1) my laptop's adaptor spoil. so i can't use my laptop since there is no enery
2) i went swimming today and it rained (though i still swam la)
3) my handphone (samsung) spoilt AGAIN and i'm back to using my old hp (nokia)
4) i wanna bake but there is no more eggs at home

well, at least today i managed to LEARN freestyle swimming, but about the PRACTISING part,still needs time. yaya. i just learn freestyle (thanks for my dearest cherie, lol). you guys out there can swim more styles and swim much better. but don't criticize me pls.

nowadays felt kind of moody. been trying to get happy but there's nth to be happy about. felt useless at home when i cant earn my own money (luckily my mom decided to give me allowence again). its like the day just pass and i only complete so little things. waking up, washing up, read book, work out, eat dinner, tv, sleep. sian.

wanna enjoy my life before i go into army also
1) Night safari
2) Cycling!
3) Beach
4) Movies
5) Bake
6) DRINK! (but i nv really drink before)
7) Rollerblading
8) Treetop adventure @ Bedok reservoir

ok la. not much of enjoy but then, its doing things that I've nv done before (1, 6,7 & 8) which makes me happy. but then again. need $$$$. sian. really really need to earn some money. so anyone got any job offers, tell me plsplsplsplsplsplsplspslpls.

2009-12-26T00:58:00.001+08:00

run.

2009-12-24T23:54:00.002+08:00

~future

As defined by Macmillan English Dictionary
Future - expected to exist or happen during the time following the present time

The word that I'm feared since j1. Since young, I've never really cared about my future since my parents made all the decisions for me. Let me give you a brief history about my life.

Primary school - Guangyang Primary School
Chosen by my parents duh

Secondary school - Kuo Chuan Presbyterian Sec. Sch.
Chosen by my parents too cause I'm too lazy to choose.
Took triple science & double math
Cause I lazy choose what science to do

JC - Catholic Junior College
It was the only school that accepted my dsa
And why JC? Ppl go JC and they say safer so I follow lo
Took 4 H2 cause people take

Never really give a thought about what I'm doing actually cause it's like standard, just following the flow. Now it comes to uni, the type of courses to take. Now I'm really lost cause I have no idea how is uni like, what course to take or even what job do I wanna really do.

Future. Needs to plan to achieve your goals or what you want. It seems so far. Sometimes I really wonder can I just not think about it and just see what comes to me and then I decide? I mean you will never know what will happen in 10yrs time or even in 3yrs time. So many things can happen.

I remembered during p5 or smth, I sat on the sofa and started crying as I was thinking about life. I kept asking myself a lot of stuff.

Why are we living?
Why do we live?
Who created us?
Who created the people who created us?
Where do we go after we die?
What's the point of living when we are gonna die anw?

So many questions pop up in my head and I told my mom I wanna die. Sometimes such thoughts still appear in my head and I do wanna just die. We get to enjoy happiness, sadness, anger bla bla bla. Happiness is what makes me going. But still, I don't see the purpose of living sometimes.

So now talking about my future. Can I not think about it? Sigh. Who knows. Something good might just happen, or perhaps something bad. And I don't have to think so much le.

2009-12-24T00:35:00.006+08:00

~Basic theory test

Wee. Passed my btt. well, i know its easy but then, i passed. was kinda scare i cant pass and then very ps. but well, i think i was lucky. the sian thing is my eng and chinese really cui. off course i did the test in eng la. but cause can convert to chinese too, so i convert to check my ans. die. now eng and chi both cmi.

but still, gd thing is i passed it le. moving on to ftt and hopefully i can pass it before enlistment

~i talked to a cat

while trying to deliver a letter, i talked to a cat. it actually sat down when i asked it to and it meow back at me when i talked. i thought it wanted to bite me or something but it nv la. heng.

~SJAB dinner

after delivering the letter, went to meet cherie to go for dinner with sjab ppl.

i took this on my way there. do i look weird? i dun smile like tt de la. but ya. trying to come up with a new smile.

anw, suppose to go clark quey but end up going to indulge @ the cathay. it was ok lo.

the cjc camwhore madness. cherie kept saying cjc ppl play a lot and camwhore.

which one is my feet? guess. ans is on fb.

then we went arcade since we got nth to do. i won this by accident =)

the four of us left cause it kinda late.

well, generally the dinner was ok. just it was not well planned la. hopefully it will be better next time.

2009-12-21T21:08:00.002+08:00

~IT fair

Did an IT fair last fri to sun, selling LG's laptop and net-books. It was fairly ok since the commision i received was much much better than the last fair I did for lenovo which sucks like mad. Also, I managed to learn quite a few things and made some new friends.

Things I learnt:

1) Most China people does not know much about computers
Some will talk to you and act as if they know everything but they don't, worst is when they pretend to know. Some will despise you for not being able to speak good Chinese to them and unable to convert words like 'processor' or 'ram' to them properly and find you a nuisance for that. Some are simple kia su idiots who wants to buy a laptops that has 15" screen, 6G Gb ram, great processor when the fact is they just needs it to surf the net, thinking the price is higher, and they have money, so they can buy.

I'm not saying that all China people sucks. Just some are seriously a pain in the ass when they just treats you like shit. When you try to explain to them, they thinks that you're stupid cause what you tell them is different from what they know.

There are some that are great whereby cause they don't know much about laptops, they try to understand from you as much as possible instead of acting they are some computer genius.

2) Sales = No toilet & grab customers
Toilet caused me to lost 1 customers -.-

Some people don't know about commissions so you just got to grab the customers. Even if you served them first and they were to come back later, hunt them down, make sure when they buy it, you are there to put your name down.

The seriously damn irritating thing is there is one beng who is working also. Looks like Andy which I really hate. stupid beng, stole 2 of my customers away.

3) Know more about laptops
Now I finally know more about laptops and about process, ram and stuff. Yes call me computer idiot and even if I know more, compared to you guys out there I still don't know much. Just that I know I do need a change in my own laptop.

Yup that's about it. This time made some new friends also. I mean its better than the lenovo one, where we do talk and exchange numbers and msn. Like qiu ting who is a newbie in sales, also from JC so we have things to talk about. Ian, day dreamer. LOL. Can't rmb my chinese name for 10sec.

Feels quite good after the IT fair though it is tiring and having a bad sore throat after it, talk a lot a lot. Hopefully will recover fast so can run soon.

2009-12-19T01:00:00.002+08:00

so sleepy..
working at IT fair now at Suntec hall 2.
LG SUCKS seriously, feels damn sucky when I need to promote something I don't even like. But still.. bo bian. do come and visit other brands. gd nite.

2009-12-17T03:50:00.003+08:00

~Back in Singapore

Hi people who read my blog. Back from japan. It was ok. Nothing much. Except I quarreled with my dad. But what's new huh. My mom says I'm behaving like someone she hates. My dad tells my sis not to ever be like me. *clap hands*

I need money. I want to make a lot a lot of money. I'm not gonna receive allowance with I don't have school. Cause to my dad, I have food at home so that's enough. I don't wanna ask for money if they don't wanna give me. My mom will always goes 'You're eating lunch' ... 'You're using the bag' ... 'You got no school' ... so 'Why should I give you my money to spend on your stuff?'

I'll do any work. Data entry, waiters, anything that I know or if anyone is willing to teach me. Work on Christmas or anything I'm fine really. So any kind souls who have jobs to recommend (though I know its hard to find those temp job) please tell me.

2009-12-10T19:58:00.002+08:00

~home

blogging from hotel now. sigh. i really wanna go home. from the first day i know i am going japan with my family, i really wanna say no. call me a brat if u wan to. but having a mom who is paranoid about everything and treating us as kids and a dad who thinks that he knows everything and even need to teach us how to eat is freaking irritating. he even take pictures with a food stall at the back.

i was thinking about my dreams on the plane and i came up with a few
1) sit in business class one day
2) travel around the world
3) be an air steward
4) earn a lot a lot of money, part time jobs if i have too
5) learn jap
6) learn how to play the violin
7) train hard and be fit
8) make more friends
9) learn to talk fluently
10) be more positive in life and be less uptight about everything

ok not so much about dreams but maybe goals.

just now thought of another one, find a country and migrate once i can. japan seems like a nice place to live in.　

oh ya i bought a new jacket. weeeee~~

and xt, i miss you =(
and thanks warren if you are reading this.
also to tyas and qiao yi too who are in indo and china now.

my sisters are the only one that actually made me feel like the trip is still ok. haiz. i wanna go back home. and stupid tour, planned that we have dinner at 5.30 today and to sleep at 7pm. stupid. hoping tml will be fine.

2009-12-08T00:26:00.000+08:00

~wow

一個女生模仿很多人的聲音唱歌

if you don't listen to much chinese songs, you won't know why I wow abt this.

2009-12-05T22:45:00.003+08:00

~Religion religion religion

I can't take it seriously. I don't see why I can't choose my religion or choose not to have a religion. I am born to a Buddhist family but does that mean that i have to be a Buddhist? Does it work the same way that I am born to a family of doctors so I have to be a doctor? Where is the logic?

Note: I am not trying to say that Buddhist is a bad religion or any religion is bad or whatsoever. Just why when I say that I don't want to be a Buddhist and wants to be a free-thinker, my parents would give me the 'Are you crazy?' face. To those who thinks I'm an atheist (an atheist is someone who believes that God does not exist), I'm not cause I do believe that gods, goddess, deities, ghosts do exist.

Why do I choose to not have a religion is cause I don't practice their faith so why do I fool myself by pretending to be someone with a religion by like going to the church every 4mths or perhaps going to the temple/pray before I have an exam or going overseas? Isn't that just trying to fool the Gods and deities; directly showing that I am scare and need some 'help' so I practice their faith for 1 min or so so they will help me for that particular event and then, I'll ask for their 'help' again when I need it. To me, it is simple shameless. I mean think of it this way, I need money so I find A. When I don't have any trouble, I treat A as nobody and don't bother to say 'hello' to A. Is that fair?

I just feel like I do have the right to choose what I want to be and also what I believe in or practice (or not want to believe in or practice). I flare up when my mom wants me to take over my dad's company cause I feel like HELLO? We're living in the 21st century where black can be president and homos can now get married. So why the hell am I still being treated like in the past, where if my dad is the emperor, I will become the emperor. Madness. I was so pissed that I purposely don't want to take physics in jc (so I will know nothing about my dad's job). Also flunking my econs (not on purpose la -.-")

He wants me to go to temple to bai bai tml since we're going japan next week. When I told him I don't want to go, he just give the since you free just go. Seriously, I should have lied. I'm just gonna don't care and do what they do. I won't bother to wear proper clothes. I'll go in sch shirt and sch shorts, get myself dirty then come back to bath. I can't stand the smoke for hell sake.

I simply can't drill the fact that I am not gonna be a Buddhist no matter how they influence me with all those Buddhist stuff. Call me lazy cause I don't see the point of burning so much paper (with cost money, REAL USABLE MONEY), its like burning our money away. Pissed me off damn lot.

2009-12-04T14:31:00.003+08:00

~Bye bye to As

Finally, yesterday was the day, at 9.15am, its finally all over. In the midst of people cheering and chit-chatting right after the paper, the examiners collecting the last scripts of our JC life, people passing unused papers down, I was sleeping -.-"

OMG seriously, ytd paper was the worst among all papers I've done cause I was dozing off 5min afters the paper. I was forcing myself to stay awake desperately to do the paper. When the time was up I'm like finally, I can sleep now. How was the paper? It was...... DEAD. The bio mcqs were much harder than the years before de. Sigh.

~K-BOX

Anw, after the paper, xt, vivien, hy and me went to k-box. Vivien was ecstatic to go k-box cause she has been talking about it since a long time ago. Vivien: 'I want to go k-bOx' (with the Malaysian tone) haha. well, we had fun.

Vivien power -.-" Sang all those gao nan du song. I sang quite a lot too! Haha. Like love story (范逸臣），曹操（jjlin), 洋葱（杨宗纬）... Ok i can't reach 洋葱 -.-" Xt can save her money le cause she says if I could sing tt song, she'll buy me a meal. But others ok bah.

We were suppose to leave at 4.30pm, but no one called us so we just stayed there. We left at 5.30pm cause wee're scare that they'll charge us extra money. Haha, next time shall go there again, so can drag drag drag.

~Prom

Prom is starting in 4.5hours time. Went to borrow tie from my cousin this morning. It's damn pai seh cause I gave him the tie for his birthday on sun (a belated bd present) and I borrowed it from him 4 days later. I spent too much for prom le so can't bear to spend any more money le la. But he was nice and lent me, I gave him chocolate. lol.

It's so pai seh when i had to ask my youngest sister (p6) to help me tie the tie. I never knew that she knows how to do it sia. I j2 and she p6. Yet I don't know how to tie a tie *hide in hole* But anw, now with the tie, my prom clothes look better I think.

Shall take a lot of pictures tonight. =)

2009-12-03T00:03:00.004+08:00

~Can't sleep

Freak. Finally last paper. I just want to get it over and done with. Arghhh. What's worst is I cant sleep. SIAN.

And seriously, those idiots who have handphones, but put them in their bags when they are out/put them some place unreachable at home/put their phone with some ring tone which is almost silent should just either throw their phone away and stick to a phone card or give it to me? Or maybe they should take their cordless house phone around, perhaps it will be big enough for them to notice someone is calling for them?

Hello? What's the use of handphones? For you to contact people and for people to contact you right? What for you get a handphone and pretend that it does not exist? Ya you use it when you need to call someone, then you will start taking out your handphone (or maybe even need to on it -.-) and realise there are people looking for you. When you call them they, like 2 days later, its too late.

And even if people call you and you're busy, can't you just pick up the phone and tell the person you're busy and you'll call them back later? Don't simple ignore the phone and making the person feels like an idiot, holding on to the phone and waiting for you to answer the phone when you have no intention of answering the call.

I mean if the person calls you if
1) you had told the person that you'll be busy and not call you
2) or the person calls you repeatedly for more than 5times,

go ahead and ignore his calls till you feel happy. But if he have no idea whether you're busy or what, don't treat people like idiots please. A simple :'I'm busy, call me in __hrs' can le right?'. Can you imagine if the person has really something urgent to tell you like he's in the hospital or your mom is in trouble or he saw your gf with another guy (or girl whatever) or you're the winner for a lucky draw, don't regret later.

Stillll... I cant sleep. arghhh

2009-12-02T20:19:00.000+08:00

~Arghhh

I WILL STUDY BY 8PM.

Feeling quite pissed now. About a few things I guess. If you're not happy after you read what I wrote, don't get pissed at me for writing it cause I din ask you to read my blog. Please don't say that I am those coward who only dares to write things or criticize people on my blog when I don't dare to tell it to them face-to-face. I WILL & I DARE to say it right into your face just that I don't wanna ruin the day/what's gonna happen.

1) Same outfit
Yes. I thought of what I wanna wear for prom WEEKS before and I asked for A opinion. In the end, we went to shopped together and in the end A bought almost same thing as me. FREAK. If anyone were to call us twins on prom, I'm gonna get damn pissed. Hypocrite. Damn. So smart cant think of the fact that people hates others wearing same things as them? Wtf. Don't call me gay or behaving like a girl. I just hate it when others copy me. NOT ACCIDENTALLY. A KNEW what I was gonna wear ALREADY and SAW me buying them. SIAN.

2) Going for prom
When xt told me she not going for prom, I persuaded her to go then when she told me she just lazy to decide what to wear and stuff so by not going, she don't have to decide. I got really pissed. Seriously, what is prom for? To me its more of friends gathering together for a night, talking and laughing about the past. Yes everyone wants to look good and ya, girls needs to prepare MUCH MORE than guys e.g. make up, doing their hair and stuff.

But then, if lazy is the reason for not going for prom I really thinks that its kinda crap. Xt said it herself we're just gonna be the background, ok I'm very fine with that cause hello? Freddy Neo or some handsome guys and some hot girls will be the highlights of the night. But then, so? We can still go for prom even if we wear simple right? Ya who don't wanna look perfect on that night? Wearing the outfits that we love the most? But if that gonna stop you from going for prom?

Making decisions like price, the frequency of use and stuff is troublesome, but then people can help by giving you opinion. But then, I cant be bothered seriously. Turn up or not, its her choice. I really wished you'll turn up cause you're a gd friend of mine and you paid $75 for it. And no I don't think its gonna go to study needy fund when they already paid for it.

3) Weight
I am 60.3kg and my height is 167.5cm.

BMI Categories:

Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

BMI Categories:

Underweight = <18.5
Normal weight = 18.5-24.9
Overweight = 25-29.9
Obesity = BMI of 30 or greater

My BMI is: 21.5, normal weight

Yes, being so short and weighing 60.3kg is deem to be heavy by many people who apparently are tall and weight even lighter than me. But please, you cant blame me for getting not as good genes as you.

P5: Near 70kg
Sec 3: Fluctuates from 47 to 56kg
J1: 57kg
J2: 60.3kg

I WAS fat and I trained very hard to go from trim & fit (TAF) to track & field (TAF). I am still running and training reach my goal of being not fat and not skinny i.e. average. I am training hard and I am not like others who can jolly well eat ice cream and chips by the tv and still be muscular or can still have a good body.

Please stop criticizing about my weight and height. Yes I AM AFFECTED even though I know that I look ok. Ya I am not as lucky as you. Life's unfair, what can I do? Sometimes I don't wish that I am like this also, I'm not gonna whine about my pathetic life and I am gonna work hard to be better. So shut your fucking mouth up.

FINE I'LL STUDY AT 8.30

2009-12-01T13:46:00.001+08:00

Bio~

Feeling freaking lethargic cause totally no mood to study bio. Bio P1 in 2 days and I really don't know if I'm ready yet. I want it to come quick so I get get it over and done with. But then, I DON'T FEEL LIKE STUDYING! ARGHHHHHHHHHH.

1) I need a job from 18dec - 30jan
I'll work for anything. I just need the money. Seriously, my parents freaking don't wanna give me money cause I got no school. Hello? I do need to eat lunch and dinner right? Yes you can cook and buy for me but I don't wanna be zai nan and stay whole day, doing nothing but breathe. Don't scold me for not getting a job cause I am trying to find but which freaking company will want someone who works from 18dec - 30jan? I WILL CALL JIMMY UP on 18dec for any job. Or maybe I'll call later

2) I want to eat Ajisen Ramen
Received a flyer on way home. Now got offer! $2 off total bills if you order $20 and above. Who wants to eat? haha

3) I want to eat Ichiban fried ice cream

IT IS FREAKING NICE. First and last time I ate it was hmmmm. October? ya and I want again. lol. I even took a picture of it. haha. its freaking nice

4) I want to learn to swim freestyle
Grace has agreed to teach me. Weeeee~ Too bad derek has to work and only free after 6. But still, I shall be nice to train tgt with him for his 2.4km run. =)

Shall go mug for bio le. Oh ya get well soon kenny! =)

2009-11-30T01:38:00.002+08:00

Dyed hair~

Ok tml is bio mock and i didn't really study for it. Just read through the notes once. Maybe not much of a read, just skim through, well gd luck to me sia. Tml mock is at 9am. And I'm still wide awake. Why? Cause my stupid fren told me something scary, and now my brain is function faster than a generator, thinking of everything and anything related or non-related scary stuff. I'm a total sucker to horror and scary stuff. Arghhhh..

Anw, main point about today is that I've dyed my hair. It was written mocha brown on the box and suppose to be quite dark. But then, it turns out lighter than expected. I used like around 1/4 of it, and xt took the rest. Yup she helped me to dye, and i like the porridge her mom made, except for the century egg. I learnt that salty eggs are actually duck eggs. I wonder why.

And I made a bloody stupid mistake today.

I smsed my fren 'cardboard', thinking tt's the spelling for 'cupboard'
when he replied 'huh?', i replied 'what? cardboard la. the one which i put all my clothes in?'

OMG! I can't believe I've made such a big mistake for 18years of my life -.-

cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard
cupboard

arghhhh =/

2009-11-29T01:26:00.002+08:00

Dream?

Time really pass in the blink of an eye 4 more days till As officially over. 2 more months till I become botak. Everything is passing faster than I imagine. Let's think back about the times when we are having bio lecture, the every min spend in the LT seems forever. But then again, more than 1yr has passed. The painstaking and tiring time we spent in cjc is now gonna be over soon.

So many things have happened during this 2 years. We've undergo so much and right now, a new life is awaiting ahead of us. Frankly speaking, I'm quite lost. I though of what I've been doing this 2 years and what is it gonna help me in the future, I cant really think of any. I mean after As, I'm gonna get a cert duh. But what do I really want in life? What is my dream?

As much as I hate my dad to question me, he did point out a valid point - What is my dream? I was freaking pissed after he asked me that when I told him I wanna sit for the SAT test. Then I sat down in my room and stared at my laptop for a few min, repeating that question in my head and thought of some.

What are my dream jobs?
1) Air steward
4mths course with Singapore airlines

2) Actor
Through modeling? I dunno

3) Movie/tv producer
Theater studies

4) Teacher
MOE

5) Hotel management
I dunno

6) Social worker
Sociology

7) Sales
I dunno

8) Event planner
I dunno

None of the above are relevant to what I studied for my whole life until now. But its Singapore, no cert, no job. FREAK. I have no idea what's gonna happen in the future, which makes me scare.

everyone knows what they want and knowing how they are gonna achieve it, but for me, I've not been thinking since I'm in p6. I don't give a damn shit abt which sec. sch. to study cause I'm lazy. I took triple science cause I don't wanna choose. I dsa to cjc cause they are the only jc who accepted my dsa and why a jc? well, everyone is saying jc is gd.

Not saying that I regretted coming to cjc cause I did meet many gd people

My clique. They have made my life in cjc a lot better and have guided me. I love you guys really. But I'm just wondering, if I'm have thought more carefully, be more decisive and know what I want, would going to poly a better choice for my future.

Entering a whole new life and new environment soon. feels weird

2009-11-28T18:06:00.001+08:00

New blog~

Ok people. I'm back to blogging again. Just kinda need a space for me to let out my emotions once in a while. Have not been blogging or writing diary for a few months and it feels like there is so much inside of me that wants to come out but just can't seem to find a way.

Yup. And now while waiting for bio paper1 which I have absolutely no idea why the stupid Cambridge have to always put bio as the last paper. Can't they just let we finish once and for all so at least we can move on with our life like go for holidays or find a job? Seriously, we have to wait for 10days before the bio paper. Arghhhhh...

These few days was just plain boring. Done with my prom shopping and spent quite a lot >.<" Been trying to find a job but then, who would wanna hire a guy who is only available from 18dec to 30jan? Basically my life is just plain boring. But guess tml I can start reading on some bio le i guess. I have no idea what to blog...

2009-11-28T15:52:00.000+08:00

testing testing